Wintergirls: The Root to the Thorn Bush

Everyone has insecurities, it’s our human nature to have faults and weaknesses, but what we do with these weaknesses can sometimes define us or spiral into something detrimental. In order to get to the root of eating disorders we have to get to the root of where these voices come from. There is an almighty and righteous God out there ready to guide us in love as well as the angel disguised as light (Satan).

In Priscilla Shirer’s book, Discerning the Voice of God, she talks about the difference between God’s voice and Satan’s voice.

The Enemy as Priscilla says, “craftily (and often very effectively) uses our guilt and shame as a tool to steer us incorrectly”. I can’t help but think about how many times I’ve been steered away from the Lord by listening to the Devil’s voice… it’s a very frightening thought. We can’t disregard Satan’s power, he wants to see people (especially Christians) struggle, give into sin and hurt ourselves/others because this separates us from God. Satan finds great pleasure in seeing us in pain (Check out The Screwtape Letters by C.S. Lewis).

However, we are not doomed because we serve an all-powerful God who wins the battle for us in the end! So back to the main character Lia… She could have easily been hearing Satan’s voice over God’s. Because just like God, Satan knows our insecurities just as well.

“It is the voice of the Enemy, seeking to use your vulnerability to deceive you”. –Priscilla Shirer

But no need to fret, there’s someone way more powerful than this mere fallen angel.

God’s voice is full of “healing and restoration” and instead of exposing our sin and wanting us to dwell in it He reveals our sin to us, “But His goal in doing so is to cleanse you and change you”. –Priscilla Shirer

Our loving Father wants us to have a “fresh desire for holiness and purity”.

I mean isn’t this quote so true? I know for me after I’ve done something wrong or hurt someone or given into my selfish ways I always have an urge to learn from the situation and be better in the future. This desire is the Lord working in our hearts…that is so RAD!

In Lia’s case she was already insecure about her body around age 12. So possibly the Devil ignited the flame when it came to Lia’s anorexia. Satan knew she was insecure about her appearance, so he gave her an option that came in his favor. Remember—seeing us in pain is what the Devil lives for.

When comparing God and Satan’s voice we have to identify the difference between 

condemn & convict. They are both very different yet often confused.

“To condemn means to consider something worthy of punishment. To convict means to bring something to light in order to correct it”. –Priscilla Shirer

For example, toward the end of the book Lia acknowledged how her disease affected her family and herself in a negative way. At first instead of wanting to get better and seek help, she hurt herself and was taken to the hospital. When you feel condemned you do not see a way out of the situation. You accept the darkness and figure that there is no exit to this way of life.

“The purpose of the voice of conviction is to press you into the face of Christ”. –Bob Sorge

It is such a great comfort to me knowing that I serve a God who wants to teach me through my trials and hardships (James 1:2). He wants me to acknowledge my sin and learn from every situation in order to grow closer to Him.

“God’s soothing, personal words of conviction offer you a remedy, a hope, and a way forward”. –Priscilla Shirer

You may think that God’s voice was absent in Lia’s case, but I disagree. I know in my experience with anorexia God’s voice was definitely present, but I just wasn’t listening. 

I was giving in to...

Satan’s voice

Satan’s ways 

and leaning on my own understanding and not my Heavenly Father.

Like I’ve said before, there is no “too dark” place for the Lord to work. He is like a flashlight in the mist of a storm; hope bearing and solution seeking. 

Wintergirls: Backstory

Why do people suffer from eating disorders?

There are many different reasons why girls and sometimes-even boys develop eating disorders. There is no set formula. The initial intention when starting to change the way you eat could be to simply GET SKINNY

 finally like what you see in the mirror 

or to look a certain way in clothes. 

But anyone who has gone through an eating disorder knows that the original intention develops into something way more dangerous.

Here's the thing about eating disorders... you don't realize you have one! Especially in the mist of it.

I full heartedly believe that eating disorders are physiological and it is one of the Devil’s ways of separating us from Jesus.

 The reason for anorexia sometimes stems back to insecurities, lack of self-confidence, peer pressure or a way to cope with other trials in life.

I am by no means an expert on anorexia or bulimia, but I want to at least help people understand the disease and know that even in a dark place Jesus is still present.

Wintergirls by Laurie Halse Anderson did a splendid job of viewing eating disorders from a teenage girl’s perspective. In the book Lia’s best friend Cassie dies due to her battle with bulimia. Cassie’s death causes Lia to second guess her anorexia and cutting. The book covers Lia’s daily struggles when it comes to her family, eating and grieving the loss of her best friend.

To understand Lia’s disease we have to start at the beginning…

Cassie was the first one to develop an eating disorder. One summer when they were 11 Cassie came back from drama camp, the girls at camp introduced her to bulimia. From then on Cassie battled with bulimia until her death. Lia followed Cassie soon after she hit puberty and her body began to change. Lia turned to anorexia after losing her ballet solo due to her weight.

Normally eating disorders are blamed on media. For instance, TV shows, actresses and models usually portray this skeleton-like ensemble, which tells girls “this is what is considered beautiful”. Now this is true, media does have an influence on young girls… but that’s not the only source to blame. Peers influence each other more than anything just like with smoking and drugs. Parents need to be aware of the possible demons that their kids might encounter. In Lia’s case her parents never taught her that eating healthy and exercising was the BEST way to have a healthy lifestyle. By the time her parents realized that her eating habits were dangerous to her well being she was already knee deep in the anorexia lifestyle.

At this point in the post you might be thinking…how in the world is Jesus found in the mist of eating disorders?!? 

Think about this…

When you’re in a movie theater and the lights go out before the movie starts. It’s pretty dark in there and for a couple of seconds you can’t see anything. When all of a sudden a light from the seventh row emerges! And what do you know…it’s an iphone!

Now it doesn’t matter where you are in the theater, near or far. The light immediately grabs your attention because it is surrounded by darkness. 

I bet y’all are catching on now… Jesus of course is the light in the darkness.

The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.

-John 1:5

When someone goes through an eating disorder there is so much darkness and gloominess. 

There’s no life

 no bright colors

 & you feel solemn and grey underneath your seemingly skinny exterior.

In my senior year of high school I developed an eating disorder but I didn’t realize exactly what I had gone through until October of my freshman year in college. Initially it started because I wanted to get skinnier so I became more cautious about what I ate. 

Then the struggles of high school began to weigh heavy.

My boyfriend and I broke up and the stress & drama of being on a team of over 20 girls took its toll on me. So as time went by I ate less and less. Eventually all I would eat was a handful of almonds each day along with working out about 5 hours a day for practice.

My view on food changed and I felt like my whole life revolved around my eating schedule… Which was nothing! Something that Lia says through out the book perfectly describes my state of mind,     “empty is strong”.

I saw food as a weakness and felt numb when I ate food. So the only time I felt “alive” was when I was hungry. This is such a dark and dangerous place to be! I can only thank Jesus for healing me through friendships, the Holy Spirit and physically removing me from my original surroundings. My experience with an eating disorder was very mild compared to many other girls who have dealt with anorexia and the characters in the book. But I thought it was important to share my story and show that Jesus worked in my life despite Satan's efforts to drag me down.

Wintergirls: to be continued…

Small as an Elephant: Hope

In Jack’s journey to find his mom he encountered a lot of different people. The two people that stuck out to me the most were a bartender and a man named big Jack. I honestly believe that Jesus puts people in our lives that sometimes meet our temporary needs. Now Jesus is the only one who can satisfy our needs… I go that! But when it came to an 11-year-old with a broken pinky Jesus was like “Yo big Jack! You got this one?”

So little Jack broke his pinky while trying to steal empty soda bottles for money. He was in a lot of pain and ended up at a bar. This is where he met the bartender and big Jack, they offered ice for his finger and big Jack put a splint in his pinky.

This entire scenario cracked me up! These two men immediately helped Jack out-no questions asked. They didn’t ignore him or even acknowledge humor or concern in the fact that an 11-year-old boy was sitting at a bar!

Just imagine this with me. Two men helping a young boy make a splint for his broken pinky in a bar… It’s wonderful! It makes me so ecstatically happy when I see compassion and random acts of kindness toward strangers. The sad part is, in real life these situations are unique and rare. I can only count a few times in my entire life where I witnessed sincere kindness between strangers. If Christians are supposed to walk like Jesus shouldn’t we as a nation be witnessing these encounters more often?

Early on in Jack’s journey he steals a plastic elephant from a store. He loved elephants and actually he was obsessed with them! It was his thing! In Jack’s mind this tiny plastic elephant that he later named Mudo gave him hope.

Hope that he would see his mom again

Hope that every thing would be okay.

It’s crazy that something as small as an elephant could give a young boy hope.

You see in my heart Jesus is my elephant-He gives me hope when I need it most and shines His light through other people in my life to remind me of His enduring promise.

So after a while Jack found out that his mom was out of the country and the hope of actually finding her faded. No worries though, Jack came up with a new goal. He would go visit the only living elephant in Maine…her name was Lydia. If you couldn’t tell by the title Jack loved elephants and the book itself is filled with cute facts about elephants.

At the very end of the book big Jack showed up again in Jack’s life and once again he fulfilled exactly what little Jack needed. Big Jack took Jack to see Lydia the elephant and PLOT TWIST Jack’s grandma waited at the park with Lydia for a week because she knew that her grandson would want more than anything to see Lydia.

Literally my heart was aching at the end of this book in utter happiness! The encounter between Lydia and Jack is so beautiful and after what this poor boy had been through their meeting was just perfect. They played together and Jack lay down on his belly face-to-face with Lydia. Then Lydia gently raised her trunk and she tenderly grazed his little face. In the end Jack cupped his hands around the tip of her trunk and blew air into it.

Jack finally saw Lydia the elephant and his mom would finally get help while he lived with his sweet grandmother. Every thing fell into place and Jack knew he was going to be all right.

In the book Jack’s goal went from finding his mother to finding his new life. After reading I could not help but wonder what my goal was…

In everyone’s life a lot of things are uncertain, but one thing I’m sure of is my end goal.

My end goal is to see Jesus’ face for the first time in Heaven and maybe have a similar encounter that Jack did with Lydia the elephant. Perhaps Jesus will graze His loving hand across my face and in that moment I will know that every thing is going to be okay and that I am Jesus’ child finally home with my Father. 

“He remembered what he’d heard about blowing into an elephant’s trunk- how the elephant would never forget you”. 

Small as an Elephant: Abandonment & Solutions

As a kid your absolute worst fear is your parents abandoning you. Since the beginning of time babysitter’s biggest pet peeve is when the front door slams and the couples’ kid goes bananas and scream into a raging fit thinking that their parents have left them for all eternity… when really they left for an hour and a half to watch the latest action movie.

In the book Small As An Elephant by Jennifer Richard Jacobson an 11-year-old boy named Jack gets abandoned at a camp site by his mom. He is left in an unfamiliar state with

No money

No food

No direction

(Pretty much a kid’s worst nightmare come true).

Jack spent the rest of the book searching for his mom. He hoped to find her and return to his unstable life back home. Jack loved his mom and was loyal to her despite her failures as a mother. Jack’s mom had some psychological problems, she was impulsive and had as Jack called them “spinning times”. In her spinning times she had the mind set of a child and had no sense of reality then she spent weeks sleeping it off in bed. Needless to say his mother was sick and by not taking her medication it was negatively affecting Jack.

Jack felt abandoned emotionally his whole life, but now his mom had physically abandoned him. Every expectation he ever had for his mom had never been met. This reminds me of every time my friends have broken a promise or my parents have let me down. We are humans and we will break promises left and right, but Jesus Christ is the only one who never will. This is why I don’t put my hope in people anymore and only in Christ alone.

“Even if my father and mother should desert me, you will take care of me”. 

–Hebrews 13:5

Jesus knows that we are going to let people down… it’s inevitable.

Knowing this truth should motivate us to forgive one another. So despite all of Jack’s struggles in his journey to find his mom

Like…

Sleeping in the woods

Breaking his pinky finger

Sleeping in an L.L. Bean store

Stealing a plastic elephant & a bike

Getting robbed more than once

Getting locked in a metal vault

Hiding away in a garbage can

& to top it off a wretched sunburn!

He eventually learned to forgive her because she was his mother and he loved her. 

“Understanding triggers the compassion that makes forgiveness possible”. 

–Brennan Manning

This kid went through so many struggles in order to find his mom (spoiler alert: He never physically finds her. She left the country). But here’s the thing, all of this hardship could have been prevented if Jack had asked an adult for help. Jack encountered MANY adults in his journey and at the end of the story the entire state of Maine ended up looking for him. But never once did he ask for help… WHY?

OH WHY? This question literally annoyed me so much! Every time something bad happened to Jack and he would break down and cry I would literally want to hit him upside the head and tell him the suffering could end! All he had to do was tell an adult, “Hey! I’m the lost kid on the six o’clock news”.

BAM! Problem solved!

But Jack knew what would happen after he was found. He would be taken away from his mom and go live in another town with his awful grandma. Jack did not want change. He wanted to continue to live with his mom because he loved her.

It’s funny, Jack would rather live on the streets and starve than go live with his grandma. 

(PLOT TWIST: The grandma’s actually nice!).

Jack caused himself so much pain-when there was really a simple solution. He could have ended all of his troubles just by turning himself in and accepting change. We do the same thing as Christians. When we are headstrong about a certain situation and want our lives to go OUR way… Jesus tells us otherwise. Usually we don’t accept His plan with open arms (We’re all talk and no action). We initially reject God’s plan and try to change what the Lord has already set in motion.

Another thing… people love to dwell in my problems. Jack for instance loved the fact that the entire state of Maine was searching for him, but he didn’t want to be found.

(Talk about playing hard to get!)

Jack was living in a nightmare and he did not want to be saved. THIS IS US! When we’re in a heap of trouble we absolutely love dwelling in it and talking about it endlessly! But we never try to find a solution. It’s almost like we love being the damsel in distress…and we need to stop acting like a bunch of little girls!

Do not merely listen to the word and so deceive yourselves; Do what it says. –JAMES 1:22